Alternative Forms Of Energy
by buddieswithbilis
Summary: Ianto Jones learns that there are some things you should just keep to yourself.


Alternative Forms Of Energy

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There were lots of things that Ianto Jones liked doing.

But there were infinitely more things that he didn't, and currently at the very top of his 'Never To Be Done Unless In An Extreme Emergency' list, was share a hot-tub with his colleagues; clothed or otherwise.

With a sigh he looked up from his checking of Jack's spelling; frustrated that the sound of splashing and giggling had distracted him yet again.

"Ianto! You should jump in ….. it's really lovely."

Smiling, he shook his head at Toshiko as, waving a hand through the air, she beckoned for a second time for him to go join her.

"Maybe later," he promised, crossing his fingers and finally giving up on the stack of paperwork in front of him. "How about I get you all a drink for now?"

As he left his seat, kitchenette bound, Gwen lazily raised one hand into the air. "You know, Ianto, I think I could be persuaded to drink one of your delicious cappuccino's …. two sugars …" She teased blowing noisily at a strand of hair as it came free of the crocodile clip above and threatened to tickle the end of her nose.

"Well, it's a tough call admittedly," groaned Owen leaning back on his section of the contoured seating, his arms folding behind his head; his eyes closing blissfully, "but, yeah, go on then, Ianto, you've twisted my arm, mate. I'll have my usual as soon as you're ready."

Toshiko swatted the medic. "A coffee would be wonderful, thank you, Ianto." She smiled. "And when you're done I insist that you come and join us."

"We'll see." He smiled back at her, knowing that, with regards to his request, there was only one person left to respond. "Jack? Coffee?" He said in a louder voice.

Arms stretched out to the sides, his hands gripping on to the surround of the tub, Jack kept his eyes, and his mouth, shut.

"Still ignoring me, is he?" Ianto asked the others with a sigh, continuing on his journey with a shake of his head. "I stand by everything I said, Jack," he failed to resist shouting back at his boss, "totally irresponsible for a Torchwood team-leader to erect a hot-tub amongst all this electrical equipment we have here. The whole place could short circuit."

Owen's eyes opened to slide over in the archivist's direction. "Oi! Do us all a favour, Ianto, and take that long pole out of your arse, will ya? Why don't you try having a little fun for a change?" He added before sinking down lower into the water.

Ianto snatched the first mug up from its position on the side. "Let's see if you're still saying that when your hair's standing on end and your balls resemble two terrified hedgehogs, Owen." He sulked.

"Actually, Owen's a fan of scaping if I remember correctly."

Still refusing to open his eyes, Jack had finally chosen to join in with the conversation.

"A fact I'm well aware of, Sir." Ianto monotoned back at him; still peeved that his boss had been ignoring him in the first place. "But from my experience he's not very regular with his tending. I mean, every time I see them they're always spiky …. and look very, very neglected."

Owen's eyes shot open again. "Hold on, Ianto? Are you saying that you study my balls on a regular basis?"

Jack snorted.

Ianto didn't.

"Owen, anyone that steps out of the shower then sits on a bench with his legs up and feet apart while they drip-dry, is just asking to have his bollocks critiqued." The medic was informed with a brusque Welsh accent.

"Are we really having a conversation about Owen's balls?" Asked Gwen finally giving up on the crocodile clip and allowing her hair to fall over her face.

"I'm afraid we are." Sighed Toshiko staring below the surface of the water to check that the doctor was, in fact, decent on this occasion.

Ianto clattered and banged and hissed.

The coffee machine did the same.

"I have to say, Jack, this is one of the more enjoyable ideas you've had since you started this experiment of yours." Owen noted, sighing as he wriggled about in the bubbles. "So how, exactly, does this piece of alien technology work, then?"

"Who said anything about it being technological?" Snarked Ianto uncharacteristically for him, heading back over with a tray laden with four mugs; the noticeable admission being a blue and white striped one.

Jack lifted one lid just ever so slightly to inspect the contents of the tray then lowered it again; pretending he hadn't just looked and that he wasn't really bothered.

"What do you mean, Ianto? What makes you think it's not technological?" Asked Toshiko smiling sweetly as she took hold of the appropriate mug. "The heat and the bubbles must come from somewhere."

Ianto waited for Gwen and Owen to take their coffees then pulled up a chair to sit down with his own, and as Jack opened one eye to scowl sideways at him he narrowed his own to stare defiantly back at him.

"It's biological." He told the others without hesitation. "You should get Jack to explain it to you sometime."

"Ianto? Enough!"

Sitting up to fold his arms across his naked chest, Jack looked directly over at his archivist. "We had a deal." He felt it necessary to point out.

"And you reneged on that deal at two thirty six this morning." Ianto felt obliged to throw back at him.

"Why two thirty six?" Asked Gwen, her big green eyes staring inquisitively over the top of her mug.

"Again, try asking Jack." Was all Ianto was prepared to offer.

"Take no notice of him, he's just a sore loser." Jack threw into the mix with a half-sneer.

"Ianto, come on, what did you mean by biological?" Asked Toshiko, her analytical brain working overtime.

"Where's the power coming from?" Ianto shrugged, pausing to take a sip of his coffee.

Watching three of his co-workers begin to look around themselves whilst the fourth watched _them_ a little anxiously; he stretched his neck to peer around the outside of tub.

The corners of his mouth turned downward as he slowly shook his head at them. "Plugs? Sockets? Electical cables? No! There aren't any! Alternating? Direct? No! No electrical currents whatsoever! What do you make of that, then?"

"Hey, he's right." Gasped Owen sitting up in his seat and leaning over the edge of the tub to check for himself. "Jack? What the hell is powering this thing?"

Breathing out slowly, Jack sent Ianto one of his 'I'll deal with you later', stares.

Ianto smiled in a 'just you try it' way, back at him.

After a few seconds the Captain straightened with a sigh to begin. "A long, long time ago, in a land called Far Away ….."

"Oh for God's sake, Jack, just tell them!" Ianto barked; his coffee spilling between his legs and onto the floor below as he flinched agitatedly.

"Jack, come on you need to tell us, or I'm getting straight out of here." Warned Owen.

"Yeah, come on, Jack, what's going on?" Laughed Gwen. "What haven't you told us this time, you sneaky bastard?"

"Ever heard of Apivorolites?" He asked them all except Ianto. "You have? Great …. let's all just enjoy our coffee then, shall we?"

"Jaaaaack, come on ….. spill." Ordered Gwen holding her already empty mug out for Ianto to take.

Accepting it from her he stepped back with one of his 'don't let him get away with this one', looks on show.

"It's nothin' to worry about, honest." Tried Jack unsuccessfully before sighing, "Oh, okaaaaay ….." as he was given deathly stares.

Retaking his seat, Ianto nodded over that his boss should continue ….. in other words, if _he_ didn't tell the rest of them, then he would.

"Apivorolites," started Jack, "are tiny little creatures; harmless really."

"Until they enter Earth's atmosphere." Interjected Ianto helpfully.

"Yeah thanks, Ianto, but I can take it from here." Jack told him sourly.

"So come on then, tell us." Suggested Owen starting to look far more concerned than curious.

"Well, as Ianto just kindly pointed out, they're fine until they enter Earth's atmosphere, because it's then that they tend to get a little, um, gassy, shall we say?"

"So that's why they're part of your experiment, is it, Jack?" Asked Toshiko looking genuinely interested. "I take it some came through the rift recently."

"And is that all we know about them?" Wondered Gwen.

Jack looked at Ianto who gave one sharp nod. "In your own time, Jack."

"Okay, okay …." He sighed. "Look, here's the deal. These things, these Apivorolites, they're furry, lemon coloured things and they look like a bee, but they're about the size of a queen bee, only unlike the bees that we already know they have tiny little gills, can breathe underwater and they just love doing the backstroke . And with their digestive systems working overtime; if you get enough of them together …. bingo! You've got your very own powerhouse ….."

"A fart farm." Added Ianto helpfully. "Like a wind farm ….. only more smelly."

"Yes, thanks for that, Ianto." Jack growled at him.

"Hold up," asked Owen, suddenly enlightened. "Are you telling me that the heat and bubbles in this tub are being created by one big mass of alien farts? You know, I wondered where that smell of bad eggs was coming from; I thought it was you Gwen."

"Oh, yeah, thanks for that, Owen." She sneered as the others started to laugh at her.

"Like I said," Ianto told them, nodding imperiously as one by one they all calmed down again, "… biological."

"Ewwww, yuck!"

Gwen eventually decided to stand up. "That's disgusting, Jack! But why can't I see them?"

"They're hiding behind the vents around the base, down where your feet are." Ianto informed her then kicked with the toe of one shoe at the outside of the tub.

Instantly, several small lemon things came floating to the surface. A couple of them decided it might be fun to stick their backsides, sting included, out of the water then fart in Owen's direction. As they did so they sent a mass of new bubbles in his direction.

"Oh purleeeze! Jack? I'm gonna kill you for this!" He gasped as everyone started to laugh at him for a change.

"I think they're quite cute." Decided Toshiko peering closer to pick out a few of the more interesting details of the one nearest to her.

"But, hold on," realised Gwen as the penny finally dropped, "that means you knew all along, Ianto."

"And you let us climb into this bloody thing without warning us!" Frowned Owen.

Feeling suddenly vulnerable, one Ianto Jones shifted back in his seat and prepared to make a break for it.

"Oh, no you don't." Jack told him, snatching out and managing to grab hold of one lapel before he could.

"Hold on to him, Jack!" Yelled Owen, quickly hauling himself from the tub and scooting round to where a certain tea-boy was still struggling to get free.

With Jack now standing up in the tub, Owen pushing hard from behind and a little extra aid from the two women in the water, they managed to drag a screaming Mr Jones; suit and all, over the edge; face first, down into the water.

He resurfaced with a, "Wah!" then began to choke and splutter as the rest of the team laughed at him.

With Gwen and Toshiko pulling him back through the water to sit between them he scowled sulkily over at his boss.

"Don't look at me like that, Ianto," he was told, "this is all your own doing."

Suit clinging to him in soggy folds, Ianto frowned as he tried to think of a come-back. "You do realise you've just put yourself on rations for a month, don't you, Jack?" He huffed.

"Doesn't surprise me," laughed his boss as a flotilla of Apivorolites began to line up in readiness across the front of his archivist, "but this is so gonna be worth it!"

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Thanks for reading ….. bwb.


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